Breath and visualization meditation

Incense burns; a timer is set.  I settle into my seated position and concentrate on the form of my body.  Satisfied there, I move to my meditation: I place over my eyes a blindfold and call to my mind a white light.  The light starts dim and reddish in my vision, but as I concentrate on it more I can see it brighten and whiten.  I start to have the light follow my breath: starting at the base of my breath and at my root Chakra, it climbs slowly with my inhale up to my throat and mouth.  There it pauses with a stillness in my breath, then returns slowly on my exhale back to my root.  I continue this meditation, just trying to find steadiness and focus on the light and breath.  I add in a root lock at the bottom and a throat lock at the top.  The ball of light cannot be contained.  Its energies want to connect outward.  I see tendrils of light connect the ball to the surface of my skin--a turmoil of lightning trying to equilibrate energies.  I can hear the crackling of the energy.

I let the energy ball sit in my throat a little longer.  I open my mouth to give it more space.  Out of my mouth comes a series of three Oms, slow, steady, firm.  I inhale again and the energy courses up to my crown feeling powerful, but light.  Ding goes my timer.

I smile with my whole being

My mouth smiles.

I feel the corners of my mouth turn up.

I feel my cheeks, my forehead, my nostrils, and my face relax.

My chest smiles.

I feel my chest expand and point skyward.

I feel my shoulders and back relax, my abs swaddle me supported.

My arms and legs smile.

I feel the tone of muscle in my appendages.

Not too much to be tiring.  Strong, controlled, relaxed.

I want to believe

Hrm, this gem was sitting next to the previous.

I just read a segment in a social psych book about the credibility actors get from the roles they play.  For instance, an actor who portrays a doctor on TV may advertise for a drug.

This reminded me of a short-lived crush I had on Jodie Foster after watching the movie, "Contact."  She played a beautiful, intelligent, and very rational scientists.  I was drawn to her by her looks and passion about science and determination to promote it despite political obstacles.

I guess I knew, deep down, that she was merely acting the part, but I wanted her to be that person.  I rationalized that if she could act the part she must at least be somewhat capable of performing such a role in the real world.

But this discussion is merely prelude for my main point, which is I want to believe!  It feels damn good to feel strongly about something, perhaps doubly good if that something is somewhat irrational!

I want to believe in a lot of things.  I want to believe people are generally good-natured.  I want to believe I'll see world peace and en end to hunger.  I want my ideals to become a reality enjoyed by all.

But most of all, I want to believe in my own personal happiness.  Happiness isn't really something you work for, it isn't something you save up for.  It's something you believe in.

Happy radio time

Today's blog post was dug up from some papers I must have written myself many years ago.  Ado begone.


Turn on the radio.  If you aren't happy, turn it up.  I guarantee it, there's some happiness there, if only you look for it.

Techno sucks but it's got a beat.  Tune into the beat.  You don't hear the melody, you feel it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that beliefs can be irrational.  Happiness is irrational.  Think about your last euphoria.  You remember what you were doing; you know what made you happy.  But does it make sense?   Did getting that kiss from that special someone make you feel happy?  Why?  You've been kissed before.  You'll probably move on.  You were happy because you wanted to, world be damned.

Make now one of those times.  I'm happy.  I want to believe.

Ashley

Names are like clothing: they can decorate a body or they can say something about somebody.  The thing is, names and clothing will always be treated in both ways whether we like it or not.  I might be wearing black because it makes me look slimmer, but that guy who glanced at me labeled me Emo or Goth in a split second.

I like my middle name, Ashley, on both these levels.  I find that "Ashley Jordan" has a beautiful ring to it (as does Jordan Ashley, perhaps due to the trochee effect), but also because it sounds vaguely pornstar: roguish, manly, a little bit unusual.  This is also why I like what it says about me.  It's masculine (Gone With the Wind, Army of Darkness), unusual (I am hoping to remain the only male Ashley any of my friends know about, at least for a while), it is soft and feminine (the value of which has really blossomed in me as those who know me can attest to), and it is goofy and boisterous (I think the name matches my stripy pants and lion-tamer jacket better than my original).

I know I will be judged, like it or not, on not just who I am and how I present myself, but the clothes I wear and the name I wear.  Thus I have made a conscious choice to project more of who I am through my name, one my parents gave me, merely permuted around, one I hid for many years in shame, one I now proudly call Me.

How to have a better life

1.  Find things more enjoyable.  Act as if under a dopamine-response loop.  Convince yourself that you are enjoying whatever it is you're doing.  Become more accepting of the situation you find yourself in.  Don't try to dance.  Don't resist dancing.  Do what is happening, and enjoy it as it comes.

2. Don't sweat other people's judgment.  You can analyze it and integrate it later.  Let it roll off you emotionally.  Deal with the *now* aspects of criticism and save the rest for quiet nightly contemplation.  Don't hold on to it!

3.  Take wholehearted chances.  Don't just make a salad; make the whole meal with place-mats and dinner music.  Don't learn a new hobby; find a second profession.  Bet the farm.  Marry the girl.  Go overboard in your passions and the ones you want to have.  Behave passionately and you will become passionate.

4. Plan more.  Don't just jump off the cliff!  Wear a parachute and train the jumps.  Learn how to pack your chute.  Know all the steps before you jump, but commit to the jump.

5.  Ok, but be spontaneous.  With 1, you must roll with the current situation; nothing goes perfectly according to plan.  Be adaptable, flexible, and tolerant.  (Patience!)

Happiness revelation

Driving to work, I thought about being in others' heads, about the models that we ascribe to their thought processes.  We are in control of those models, and we can choose whether to give people the benefit of the doubt and assuming they have good reasons for their behaviors, or to blame them for being deficient or malicious.  In the same regard, we are responsible for our own happiness: it is in how we view the world.  It was at about this point in my commute that I noticed the sun come out.  "I made the sun come out," I thought to myself.  The beauty in the world is mine to see and enjoy.  This brought tears to my eyes.  I stayed with this emotion and breathed it in, letting out raspy breaths.  It occurred to me that I'd stumbled on something profound, the secret to happiness, and I'd had it all along.  I also reveled in my calm detachment from my own feelings.  I wasn't trying to cry; I wasn't trying not to cry.  I was fully in an honest, powerful emotion.  That realization further inspired my happiness and the flow of my tears.  I smiled a great big smile the rest of the way to work and dried my tears before I left the car.

I thought about my future.  I thought about Jenny.  I thought about work and housing.  All looked good.

I think the moment I realized that my happiness was completely in my control may have been the happiest moment in my life to date.