Happy radio time

Today's blog post was dug up from some papers I must have written myself many years ago.  Ado begone.


Turn on the radio.  If you aren't happy, turn it up.  I guarantee it, there's some happiness there, if only you look for it.

Techno sucks but it's got a beat.  Tune into the beat.  You don't hear the melody, you feel it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that beliefs can be irrational.  Happiness is irrational.  Think about your last euphoria.  You remember what you were doing; you know what made you happy.  But does it make sense?   Did getting that kiss from that special someone make you feel happy?  Why?  You've been kissed before.  You'll probably move on.  You were happy because you wanted to, world be damned.

Make now one of those times.  I'm happy.  I want to believe.

Ashley

Names are like clothing: they can decorate a body or they can say something about somebody.  The thing is, names and clothing will always be treated in both ways whether we like it or not.  I might be wearing black because it makes me look slimmer, but that guy who glanced at me labeled me Emo or Goth in a split second.

I like my middle name, Ashley, on both these levels.  I find that "Ashley Jordan" has a beautiful ring to it (as does Jordan Ashley, perhaps due to the trochee effect), but also because it sounds vaguely pornstar: roguish, manly, a little bit unusual.  This is also why I like what it says about me.  It's masculine (Gone With the Wind, Army of Darkness), unusual (I am hoping to remain the only male Ashley any of my friends know about, at least for a while), it is soft and feminine (the value of which has really blossomed in me as those who know me can attest to), and it is goofy and boisterous (I think the name matches my stripy pants and lion-tamer jacket better than my original).

I know I will be judged, like it or not, on not just who I am and how I present myself, but the clothes I wear and the name I wear.  Thus I have made a conscious choice to project more of who I am through my name, one my parents gave me, merely permuted around, one I hid for many years in shame, one I now proudly call Me.

How to have a better life

1.  Find things more enjoyable.  Act as if under a dopamine-response loop.  Convince yourself that you are enjoying whatever it is you're doing.  Become more accepting of the situation you find yourself in.  Don't try to dance.  Don't resist dancing.  Do what is happening, and enjoy it as it comes.

2. Don't sweat other people's judgment.  You can analyze it and integrate it later.  Let it roll off you emotionally.  Deal with the *now* aspects of criticism and save the rest for quiet nightly contemplation.  Don't hold on to it!

3.  Take wholehearted chances.  Don't just make a salad; make the whole meal with place-mats and dinner music.  Don't learn a new hobby; find a second profession.  Bet the farm.  Marry the girl.  Go overboard in your passions and the ones you want to have.  Behave passionately and you will become passionate.

4. Plan more.  Don't just jump off the cliff!  Wear a parachute and train the jumps.  Learn how to pack your chute.  Know all the steps before you jump, but commit to the jump.

5.  Ok, but be spontaneous.  With 1, you must roll with the current situation; nothing goes perfectly according to plan.  Be adaptable, flexible, and tolerant.  (Patience!)

Happiness revelation

Driving to work, I thought about being in others' heads, about the models that we ascribe to their thought processes.  We are in control of those models, and we can choose whether to give people the benefit of the doubt and assuming they have good reasons for their behaviors, or to blame them for being deficient or malicious.  In the same regard, we are responsible for our own happiness: it is in how we view the world.  It was at about this point in my commute that I noticed the sun come out.  "I made the sun come out," I thought to myself.  The beauty in the world is mine to see and enjoy.  This brought tears to my eyes.  I stayed with this emotion and breathed it in, letting out raspy breaths.  It occurred to me that I'd stumbled on something profound, the secret to happiness, and I'd had it all along.  I also reveled in my calm detachment from my own feelings.  I wasn't trying to cry; I wasn't trying not to cry.  I was fully in an honest, powerful emotion.  That realization further inspired my happiness and the flow of my tears.  I smiled a great big smile the rest of the way to work and dried my tears before I left the car.

I thought about my future.  I thought about Jenny.  I thought about work and housing.  All looked good.

I think the moment I realized that my happiness was completely in my control may have been the happiest moment in my life to date.

Nietzsche is dead

Not only did Man create God, but more accurately, *every* person with a belief in God creates a (unique) God. Sure, many beliefs surrounding deities are passed down through books and oral tradition, but I still maintain that what God is varies with what the individual thinks "good" is. For example, somebody morally opposed to homosexuality thinks God is, too.

My own God has had a rough birth. He was dead through most of my life, and only recently have I decided to let him live. For me, "God" language forms an idealized abstraction of the world. It is the language I use to express my best intentions, to admit my failures, to grab onto when I need something to hold onto. When I talk to God, I am talking to the idealized version of me and the idealized version of my universe.

I'm not sure how common my thinking is. Some people think of God as a real part of the universe, not as an abstraction. Some people probably share much of my thinking but haven't (yet) codified it as such. For some people, God is dead.

I wish there were better language for these thoughts, as I think the word "God" has to fill many rolls for many people. To discuss a topic, it is generally a good idea to have clear, agreed-upon language as a start. I propose the addition of new words to help this along. We need a words for a physical god: a god that has an existence in our physical universe and can manipulate the world at will. We need a word for self-god, the god which is our own best self. And we need a word for universe-god, the god that represents the good in the universe. And we probably need other words that I haven't yet connected to... perhaps because I lack the language.

Fractals and nature

I believe fractals can be incredibly beautiful, and I believe our sense of what is beautiful has evolved by identifying the things we see in nature. Fractals are a great format for expression in nature for their simplicity of encoding: an algorithm which encodes for a self similar object saves a lot of bits by only expressing the general shape and where to attach little replicas, thus not requiring to pinpoint where every last carbon atom goes.

But I think it's wrong to say that fractals exist in nature. It's similarly wrong to say that a circle exists in nature. A circle is a mathematical abstraction, and as such, I don't think it can exist in a fuzzy quantum-mechanical world such as our own. Likewise, a fractal is a mathematical abstraction, and if you examine a shell or a leaf or whatever natural example of a fractal you can hold, you will see the fractal nature of it breaks down at some point.

So in some ways, mathematics captures the essence of the beauty we see in the real world, in a richer way than nature herself can express!

http://www.skytopia.com/project/fractal/mandelbulb.html

Who am I?

What do I call into mind when I use the word "I?" I suppose the very fact that I can formulate the question leads to an answer - the answer I've been telling myself for basically my whole life. I am my consciousness. I am my thoughts and my goals and ambitions. The other parts of me - my body and my feelings - exists to further the goals of my ego.

But I am not simply my thoughts. I think I exist outside my thoughts. Perhaps I am actually my emotions. I am joy and sadness and lust and boredom. My conscious serves me very well to guide my flesh towards emotionally and socially satisfying situations. But what I really relate to, it seems, are my motivations, my internal passion barometer. Life can only be satisfying if my emotions are satisfied, and life is best when I am in tune with and follow my passions.

But I am not simply my thoughts and emotions. I am also reflexive actions, flesh, bone, and organs. Perhaps I am my chemical makeup and my emotions exist to serve my body, to lead it to nourishment, respiration, and procreation. It does seem that I am happiest when my body is happy, and upset if my body is not "keeping up." Perhaps I am my body, and with it my muscles and my senses - my inputs and outputs with the rest of the world.

But I am not simply my thoughts, emotions, and body. I have some control over my community. My actions change its structures and its attitudes. Moreover, my community has influence over me, influencing my perspectives and goals. My connection with my community isn't as tightly bound spacially or temporally as it is with my body, but we are clearly part of the same system, and part of my identity, my "I," is bound up with them as well.

But I cannot simply draw the edges of my community, and even if I could, such a system would be incomplete without the whole biosphere and by extension the whole universe. Am I the universe? I think I am, to some degree, and the conclusion I drew from this line of thought is that I am all these things. Sometimes I relate most strongly to my conscious desires, and other times more to my emotional desires. None of the answers in the previous paragraphs, by itself, can be considered correct. I am all these things, at varying times, to varying degrees.

Since having these thoughts, I've realized that this new perspective means some changes in how I (should) behave. I came to these ideas while closing my eyes and washing my hair, then continuing to shower with my eyes closed, some senses shut off. My mind was not thinking in words at the time, but in feelings and visuals. I saw myself wash myself in third person. I got in touch with my proprioception, a sense that is always there, but felt more acutely with closed eyes. I visualized all the actions I was doing, seeing my elbows bend, my hands come up to my head and scrub my neck and shoulders. I felt very clearly the brushing of the loufa on my skin, my muscles alternately contracting and releasing. I heard very clearly the shower water tapping my skin and shower curtain. I heard the bathroom fan. I felt warm and relaxed.

What I was doing was moving my ego down to a few "lower" levels: feelings and physicality. My senses of touch and hearing were sharpened. My mind was blank and there was more room for feelings of warmth and relaxation. (I know I've used warm here in two different ways. I think physical warmth helps with the metaphorical kind). I was getting this through *less external stimulation.* I've realized I've spent much of my life feeding stimulation to myself, and mostly just to the conscious parts of my ego. I've been ignoring much of myself! I am going to create a playlist for myself to listen to every night before sleep. I know listening to the same music every night is boring for my consciousness. That's the point. I don't need constant stimulation every waking moment. In fact, slowing things down before I sleep will let me sleep deeper. That will let me process more information in my sleep and wake up more rested, more ready to satisfy my conscious desires! It's a win-win!

I want to go forward now and stay connected with all of me: thoughts, emotions, body, community, and universe.