What do I call into mind when I use the word "I?" I suppose the very fact that I can formulate the question leads to an answer - the answer I've been telling myself for basically my whole life. I am my consciousness. I am my thoughts and my goals and ambitions. The other parts of me - my body and my feelings - exists to further the goals of my ego.
But I am not simply my thoughts. I think I exist outside my thoughts. Perhaps I am actually my emotions. I am joy and sadness and lust and boredom. My conscious serves me very well to guide my flesh towards emotionally and socially satisfying situations. But what I really relate to, it seems, are my motivations, my internal passion barometer. Life can only be satisfying if my emotions are satisfied, and life is best when I am in tune with and follow my passions.
But I am not simply my thoughts and emotions. I am also reflexive actions, flesh, bone, and organs. Perhaps I am my chemical makeup and my emotions exist to serve my body, to lead it to nourishment, respiration, and procreation. It does seem that I am happiest when my body is happy, and upset if my body is not "keeping up." Perhaps I am my body, and with it my muscles and my senses - my inputs and outputs with the rest of the world.
But I am not simply my thoughts, emotions, and body. I have some control over my community. My actions change its structures and its attitudes. Moreover, my community has influence over me, influencing my perspectives and goals. My connection with my community isn't as tightly bound spacially or temporally as it is with my body, but we are clearly part of the same system, and part of my identity, my "I," is bound up with them as well.
But I cannot simply draw the edges of my community, and even if I could, such a system would be incomplete without the whole biosphere and by extension the whole universe. Am I the universe? I think I am, to some degree, and the conclusion I drew from this line of thought is that I am all these things. Sometimes I relate most strongly to my conscious desires, and other times more to my emotional desires. None of the answers in the previous paragraphs, by itself, can be considered correct. I am all these things, at varying times, to varying degrees.
Since having these thoughts, I've realized that this new perspective means some changes in how I (should) behave. I came to these ideas while closing my eyes and washing my hair, then continuing to shower with my eyes closed, some senses shut off. My mind was not thinking in words at the time, but in feelings and visuals. I saw myself wash myself in third person. I got in touch with my proprioception, a sense that is always there, but felt more acutely with closed eyes. I visualized all the actions I was doing, seeing my elbows bend, my hands come up to my head and scrub my neck and shoulders. I felt very clearly the brushing of the loufa on my skin, my muscles alternately contracting and releasing. I heard very clearly the shower water tapping my skin and shower curtain. I heard the bathroom fan. I felt warm and relaxed.
What I was doing was moving my ego down to a few "lower" levels: feelings and physicality. My senses of touch and hearing were sharpened. My mind was blank and there was more room for feelings of warmth and relaxation. (I know I've used warm here in two different ways. I think physical warmth helps with the metaphorical kind). I was getting this through *less external stimulation.* I've realized I've spent much of my life feeding stimulation to myself, and mostly just to the conscious parts of my ego. I've been ignoring much of myself! I am going to create a playlist for myself to listen to every night before sleep. I know listening to the same music every night is boring for my consciousness. That's the point. I don't need constant stimulation every waking moment. In fact, slowing things down before I sleep will let me sleep deeper. That will let me process more information in my sleep and wake up more rested, more ready to satisfy my conscious desires! It's a win-win!
I want to go forward now and stay connected with all of me: thoughts, emotions, body, community, and universe.
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