Fractals and nature

I believe fractals can be incredibly beautiful, and I believe our sense of what is beautiful has evolved by identifying the things we see in nature. Fractals are a great format for expression in nature for their simplicity of encoding: an algorithm which encodes for a self similar object saves a lot of bits by only expressing the general shape and where to attach little replicas, thus not requiring to pinpoint where every last carbon atom goes.

But I think it's wrong to say that fractals exist in nature. It's similarly wrong to say that a circle exists in nature. A circle is a mathematical abstraction, and as such, I don't think it can exist in a fuzzy quantum-mechanical world such as our own. Likewise, a fractal is a mathematical abstraction, and if you examine a shell or a leaf or whatever natural example of a fractal you can hold, you will see the fractal nature of it breaks down at some point.

So in some ways, mathematics captures the essence of the beauty we see in the real world, in a richer way than nature herself can express!

http://www.skytopia.com/project/fractal/mandelbulb.html

Who am I?

What do I call into mind when I use the word "I?" I suppose the very fact that I can formulate the question leads to an answer - the answer I've been telling myself for basically my whole life. I am my consciousness. I am my thoughts and my goals and ambitions. The other parts of me - my body and my feelings - exists to further the goals of my ego.

But I am not simply my thoughts. I think I exist outside my thoughts. Perhaps I am actually my emotions. I am joy and sadness and lust and boredom. My conscious serves me very well to guide my flesh towards emotionally and socially satisfying situations. But what I really relate to, it seems, are my motivations, my internal passion barometer. Life can only be satisfying if my emotions are satisfied, and life is best when I am in tune with and follow my passions.

But I am not simply my thoughts and emotions. I am also reflexive actions, flesh, bone, and organs. Perhaps I am my chemical makeup and my emotions exist to serve my body, to lead it to nourishment, respiration, and procreation. It does seem that I am happiest when my body is happy, and upset if my body is not "keeping up." Perhaps I am my body, and with it my muscles and my senses - my inputs and outputs with the rest of the world.

But I am not simply my thoughts, emotions, and body. I have some control over my community. My actions change its structures and its attitudes. Moreover, my community has influence over me, influencing my perspectives and goals. My connection with my community isn't as tightly bound spacially or temporally as it is with my body, but we are clearly part of the same system, and part of my identity, my "I," is bound up with them as well.

But I cannot simply draw the edges of my community, and even if I could, such a system would be incomplete without the whole biosphere and by extension the whole universe. Am I the universe? I think I am, to some degree, and the conclusion I drew from this line of thought is that I am all these things. Sometimes I relate most strongly to my conscious desires, and other times more to my emotional desires. None of the answers in the previous paragraphs, by itself, can be considered correct. I am all these things, at varying times, to varying degrees.

Since having these thoughts, I've realized that this new perspective means some changes in how I (should) behave. I came to these ideas while closing my eyes and washing my hair, then continuing to shower with my eyes closed, some senses shut off. My mind was not thinking in words at the time, but in feelings and visuals. I saw myself wash myself in third person. I got in touch with my proprioception, a sense that is always there, but felt more acutely with closed eyes. I visualized all the actions I was doing, seeing my elbows bend, my hands come up to my head and scrub my neck and shoulders. I felt very clearly the brushing of the loufa on my skin, my muscles alternately contracting and releasing. I heard very clearly the shower water tapping my skin and shower curtain. I heard the bathroom fan. I felt warm and relaxed.

What I was doing was moving my ego down to a few "lower" levels: feelings and physicality. My senses of touch and hearing were sharpened. My mind was blank and there was more room for feelings of warmth and relaxation. (I know I've used warm here in two different ways. I think physical warmth helps with the metaphorical kind). I was getting this through *less external stimulation.* I've realized I've spent much of my life feeding stimulation to myself, and mostly just to the conscious parts of my ego. I've been ignoring much of myself! I am going to create a playlist for myself to listen to every night before sleep. I know listening to the same music every night is boring for my consciousness. That's the point. I don't need constant stimulation every waking moment. In fact, slowing things down before I sleep will let me sleep deeper. That will let me process more information in my sleep and wake up more rested, more ready to satisfy my conscious desires! It's a win-win!

I want to go forward now and stay connected with all of me: thoughts, emotions, body, community, and universe.

Cuteness

There is a continuum from cute to hot, from adorable 8-year-olds to sexy 28-year-olds. Men don't get to touch 16-year-old girls because it is too hard for society (and children) to draw the line between these types of attraction and love.

The cute-to-hot scale applies to personality traits as well as physical appearance. "Cute," immature behaviors which are adorable in children are often considered flirtatious in adults.

I discovered a new way to get more out of sensation play. I think pain and sensation is mostly in the head, so to prepare for play, I think it's fun to "tune in" to the area of interest before applying more interesting sensations. For example, try the most minimal touch on a nipple that you can register. So concentrate on feeling that. See if you can feel even less. Now you're set up to really experience pain/other sensations there! The same thing works with other senses. I discovered this when tasting peanut butter, actually. Taste a very small amount. Tune in your peanut butter sense. Then take a mouthful. INTENSE! I think this phenomenon is seen in the animal kingdom with bloodhound dogs, who smell a trace scent, then they go nuts when they get a better noseful.

My scalp is covered in a fine paste of dried, dead skin cells. If I scratch it, the paste builds up under my fingernails. It reminds me of the plaque the accumulates on my teeth and I must rudely dislodge it with vigorous motions from my dental floss. I think I now have a peculiarly high amount of scalp paste due to my current head condition which has kept me from wetting my hair most days. I have a 1.5 inch gash in the back of my head, held tenuously together by five tiny metal staples. I'm not exactly sure how tiny they are, as I've never seen them with my eyes, only with my fingers. I first pictured them in my mind's eye as they were thrust into me by Dr. Bill at the Swedish Hospital ER. I imagined them to be rough like construction staples. I felt them penetrate my skin and wrap into themselves. But now that I've fondled them around somewhat, my opinion is that they are smaller, rounded and smooth, perhaps half a centimeter in length.

Update: all better now.

Procrastination

I am always procrastinating. Look at my TODO list. it's things i'll do "when i have the time." I have the time *RIGHT NOW*. For example, I have paperwork and taxes to do and have the time. I convinced myself to do the paperwork (and really, it took convincing! a ton!) and convinced myself I'd only go for a walk as a reward, and then do more work (i.e. taxes). I got to the point of writing out money for a medical bill and placed it in the envelope and stamped it. I thought to myself, I'll need to mail that at some point. Then I started thinking it was tax time. I caught myself. "Jordan, you're procrastinating again." Why shouldn't I just take the bill to the mail right now? I had nothing else to take to the mail, so I wasn't saving effort by batch tasking. I used another tactic on myself. "Well, I could use some fresh air, and the weather is nice." So I grab the envelope and head outside to deliver it. I then realize it's raining. I smile, put on my hat and coat and head out. It pleased me to be outside, even though dreary, accomplishing this simple task. All this self-manipulation and here I am. Getting something done *NOW*. Next time I have to put something off "until later" I'm going to ask myself "why not now?" If I have a good reason then I'll ask myself, "How are you going to remember to do it later?" And I'll force myself to be responsible for my decision. I hope I never forget or put off another important thing ever again in my life. Namaste, thank you God, bless myself.

Therapy

i am meditating right now

or i feel like i have the power of one who is in meditation

i just thought "i want to masturbate"

then I dismissed it like so many trivialities

as in meditation you say "thinking" and put away the thought

i am focused

and i am multitasking

i feel great

i love therapy

fear

there are two ways to overcome (which is to say, to deal with), fear: Confidence and apathy. I'll give two examples to help explain. Fear is a constant hindrance when snowboarding. Fear prevents me from going fast because I might hurt myself, whether that be crashing into a tree, end-over-ending and breaking my neck, or hurting a fellow skiier or snowboarder. I've realized on occasion that I can let go of these fears and ride faster, and this happens in the two ways i mentioned. I can gain confidence (which comes from PRACTICE, not merely force-of-will, but it is also the acknowledgement of the current skill attained). This let's me understand I am in control in a greater range of experiences. The other key method is apathy, or lack of attachment. If I am 100% *ok* with hitting a tree, I'm not going to worry about it. I have my buddy with me who will call rescue. I have had 30 great years. I am ok with these sorts of outcomes. So I worry less, ride faster, and ride better. Example #2: I'm afraid of insects and spiders. Mine is not a particular paralyzing level of fear, but it exists nonetheless. Examining this fear and trying to rationalize it, I broke it down to some things that are worth being afraid of. What if the insect has hundreds of friends and these friends are hell-bent on making me miserable by biting me all over and perhaps spreading venom to my veins. Ok *that's* worth being afraid of. Well, I'm pretty confident that won't happen. And if I try hard enough, I'm apathetic toward the result. If the odds are such that I die from hundreds of spiders, meh, again, 30 great years on the planet! My fear has thus decreased by application of this technique.