I discovered a new way to get more out of sensation play. I think pain and sensation is mostly in the head, so to prepare for play, I think it's fun to "tune in" to the area of interest before applying more interesting sensations. For example, try the most minimal touch on a nipple that you can register. So concentrate on feeling that. See if you can feel even less. Now you're set up to really experience pain/other sensations there! The same thing works with other senses. I discovered this when tasting peanut butter, actually. Taste a very small amount. Tune in your peanut butter sense. Then take a mouthful. INTENSE! I think this phenomenon is seen in the animal kingdom with bloodhound dogs, who smell a trace scent, then they go nuts when they get a better noseful.

My scalp is covered in a fine paste of dried, dead skin cells. If I scratch it, the paste builds up under my fingernails. It reminds me of the plaque the accumulates on my teeth and I must rudely dislodge it with vigorous motions from my dental floss. I think I now have a peculiarly high amount of scalp paste due to my current head condition which has kept me from wetting my hair most days. I have a 1.5 inch gash in the back of my head, held tenuously together by five tiny metal staples. I'm not exactly sure how tiny they are, as I've never seen them with my eyes, only with my fingers. I first pictured them in my mind's eye as they were thrust into me by Dr. Bill at the Swedish Hospital ER. I imagined them to be rough like construction staples. I felt them penetrate my skin and wrap into themselves. But now that I've fondled them around somewhat, my opinion is that they are smaller, rounded and smooth, perhaps half a centimeter in length.

Update: all better now.

Procrastination

I am always procrastinating. Look at my TODO list. it's things i'll do "when i have the time." I have the time *RIGHT NOW*. For example, I have paperwork and taxes to do and have the time. I convinced myself to do the paperwork (and really, it took convincing! a ton!) and convinced myself I'd only go for a walk as a reward, and then do more work (i.e. taxes). I got to the point of writing out money for a medical bill and placed it in the envelope and stamped it. I thought to myself, I'll need to mail that at some point. Then I started thinking it was tax time. I caught myself. "Jordan, you're procrastinating again." Why shouldn't I just take the bill to the mail right now? I had nothing else to take to the mail, so I wasn't saving effort by batch tasking. I used another tactic on myself. "Well, I could use some fresh air, and the weather is nice." So I grab the envelope and head outside to deliver it. I then realize it's raining. I smile, put on my hat and coat and head out. It pleased me to be outside, even though dreary, accomplishing this simple task. All this self-manipulation and here I am. Getting something done *NOW*. Next time I have to put something off "until later" I'm going to ask myself "why not now?" If I have a good reason then I'll ask myself, "How are you going to remember to do it later?" And I'll force myself to be responsible for my decision. I hope I never forget or put off another important thing ever again in my life. Namaste, thank you God, bless myself.

Therapy

i am meditating right now

or i feel like i have the power of one who is in meditation

i just thought "i want to masturbate"

then I dismissed it like so many trivialities

as in meditation you say "thinking" and put away the thought

i am focused

and i am multitasking

i feel great

i love therapy